List of "things"....

With my migraine finally gone and all the medication slowly making it's way out of my body, I am finally able to think clearly, which is a good thing, because a best friend of mine asked me to write the 10 things I want in my future mate and 10 things I'd like to prepare myself to be, for him.  I didn't currently have a list, which apparently most people my age do and it just gets longer by the year, but I jumped at the chance to make one.  I actually didn't have to think too long about this either.  What I noticed was, if I had made a list in my 20's, It would have been filled with much more physical attributes......solid ass, broad back, brown skin, musically inclined, etc.  Now my list goes a little something like this.......

Soul mate: (gotta love Izaiah, that's a give in)

1. Loyal (trustworthy)
2. Ambitious (not lazy)
3. Caring/Understanding
4. Funny
5. Responsible
6. Spontaneous
7. Confident (not arrogant)
8. Has energy that lifts me up
9. Infectious smile
10. Doesn't "need" me, just loves me

I guess it's a list everyone can relate to, unless you're 18 without a care in the world.  I've only ever wanted someone who is unbelievably, incandescently, and as Bella would say "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love with me.  Giver and a taker and someone who knows how to laugh his ass off.  This of course is a "perfect" man that may or may not exist, but I definitely think he will exist when I'm ready for him.  I think everything we do, right now, as we speak, is already leading up to something for the future.  As I continue to work on myself and find my happy again, I am already attracting the right person and when I come full circle, there he will be......Jacob Black...nah nah, he will definitely be human ONLY.......hopefully ;)

Happy Hump Day!

The Psychedelic Furs - Love My Way [1982]

Healing Through Music........

I have been sick sick sick recently, vertigo, headaches, nausea, you name it.  Finally got some new medication and feeling a little better.  While I was sick, I had a lot of time to feel sorry for myself.  Oh yes, whoa is me, no one is here to take care of me, me, me, me....the world should revolve around me when I'm sick ;), BUT, besides the joys of self loathing, I also had a lot of time to express myself through music.  I finally picked up one of the 5 guitars I have just hanging around the house and decided to start strumming.  Before I knew it, I had strummed my first song, taught myself to play a song that I have been listening to, "Human" by Civil Twilight, and learned chords C, D, and E.  I have written a ton of lyrics to music I hear in my head, but this is my first, written and composed song.  It probably belongs on the soundtrack to a "Twilight" movie, but still, I wrote it and it really helped my "whoa is me" attitude.  And when I drove to pick my son up from school I went in peace with absolutely NO road rage!  Now that is a first.

Anyway, what I realized was, God gives me so many opportunities to be kind to others and kind to myself and I normally, especially while driving, choose to turn the other cheek, but this day I chose to take him up on his offer and let the lady to the right of me cut in front of me so she could make the left turn on vineyard, I was kind to myself by writing a song so that my heart could feel lighter and I could let my God given talent not be muffled by my....hmmm, by me.  I guess this is all part of my journey to discovering the old and new Amber.  I'd rather not turn the other cheek. :)

Next on my agenda, Meals on Wheels (if that lady ever calls me back), Making Strides Against Breast Cancer with a woman who should have her own advice column, Mernette Cardejon, and Tango lessons at the Honolulu Club.  Stay tuned!

#1

#1, a set on Flickr.

Gonna start this year of ME on the right foot :)

Migraine's are the worst

But, it did allow me plenty of time to write a song and strum a guitar that I am clueless on how to make notes come out of, but was still able to fashion a pretty decent song to let my words flow.

Anyways, I suppose I should have goals set aside to embark on this journey. My whole reason for this is to challenge myself and actually succeed, so, I have sworn off men for a year. At this point in my life my soul mate still has not revealed himself, so I must be doing something wrong and while finding him is last on my list of things to do, I still want to make it known. I have decided to let this be the year of "Yes" to myself and "No" to men. I obviously cannot trust my judgment and am drawn to men who need me rather then men who uplift me, so until my energy is up where it should be, I will not trust my judgment, been there, done that.

I am so fortunate to have amazing friends who will be embarking on this journey with me. The up's and downs, smiles, and frowns. Hopefully I can get a few of them to convince me to skydive, swim with sharks, zip line, para-sail, quit drinking and maybe even eat a Big Mac.

The beginning......

So, in the beginning, I was this amazing fun loving, not a care in the world, individual. I had no quarrels or bitterness with love or men and no expectations of what my future would or would not present to me. Of course, the older I got, the more relationships I entered, endured, and got out of, the more grim my future became. I started to lose myself. I notice now, the difference one marriage and a handful of long relationships has done to my spirit or my energy if you will. I have pushed the men I've been with to become better people and encouraged them to change for the better so that they may be able to live a much fuller life, so much that I have been pushing myself farther away from, well, my true self. I don't know why I do this, actually, I do. I do this because I am so concerned with the ex's in my life seeing what a good person I am and what a wonderful person they missed out on and truthfully, if they didn't see the wonderfullness (not a word) in me while we where together, what the hell makes me think they will see it when we're not.

It has always been in my nature to find the goodness in others, even while I'm not getting any answers or closure, my heart is being thrashed around and used as a rock for these men to lean on and somehow, I've lost myself. I've lost that fun loving spirit that people used to be drawn to, that I prided myself on being, and I've pushed my energy down so low that my soul mate, whom I believe does exist, is unable to find me.

Well, I have decided that it is time to find that Amber again. I miss her and I believe the people around me, who have once encountered that Amber, miss her as well. For those of you who know me, you also know that I have been through a few blows in my life with regards to losing loved one's, but I have made my peace with that and now it's time to make peace with the rest of the goings on of my life. So, I have created this blog to act as a journal of some sort, to find my inner Amber again. To find that happy woman I use to know and love so much. To share my music, my everyday up's and down's and my love and appreciation for life again. I will find her and she will be amazing. I will learn to love myself again. To bring the beauty I feel inside to the surface. To love every scar, cellulite, gray hair, new age line, and muffin top that comes with the territory of being me. I'll start tomorrow. :) Tonight, I will part with the old me and start a new.

I hope you enjoy, the reinvention of Amber.