So, in the beginning, I was this amazing fun loving, not a care in the world, individual. I had no quarrels or bitterness with love or men and no expectations of what my future would or would not present to me. Of course, the older I got, the more relationships I entered, endured, and got out of, the more grim my future became. I started to lose myself. I notice now, the difference one marriage and a handful of long relationships has done to my spirit or my energy if you will. I have pushed the men I've been with to become better people and encouraged them to change for the better so that they may be able to live a much fuller life, so much that I have been pushing myself farther away from, well, my true self. I don't know why I do this, actually, I do. I do this because I am so concerned with the ex's in my life seeing what a good person I am and what a wonderful person they missed out on and truthfully, if they didn't see the wonderfullness (not a word) in me while we where together, what the hell makes me think they will see it when we're not.
It has always been in my nature to find the goodness in others, even while I'm not getting any answers or closure, my heart is being thrashed around and used as a rock for these men to lean on and somehow, I've lost myself. I've lost that fun loving spirit that people used to be drawn to, that I prided myself on being, and I've pushed my energy down so low that my soul mate, whom I believe does exist, is unable to find me.
Well, I have decided that it is time to find that Amber again. I miss her and I believe the people around me, who have once encountered that Amber, miss her as well. For those of you who know me, you also know that I have been through a few blows in my life with regards to losing loved one's, but I have made my peace with that and now it's time to make peace with the rest of the goings on of my life. So, I have created this blog to act as a journal of some sort, to find my inner Amber again. To find that happy woman I use to know and love so much. To share my music, my everyday up's and down's and my love and appreciation for life again. I will find her and she will be amazing. I will learn to love myself again. To bring the beauty I feel inside to the surface. To love every scar, cellulite, gray hair, new age line, and muffin top that comes with the territory of being me. I'll start tomorrow. :) Tonight, I will part with the old me and start a new.
I hope you enjoy, the reinvention of Amber.
I really like the Amber I know now, but I can't wait to meet the old/new Amber too :) Keep on keeping on, girlfriend! And now you can call/text when you need!
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