Peace with myself........

I haven't written in a while. My moods have been so up and down lately, I thought I'd spare everyone the chatter and woe is me attitude. The one thing that I'd like to share is my longing to be alone. My hope is that this recent break up, and all my break up's before, were not really true feelings of love. My hope is that when I do find "the one", only then will I ever know what true love is and all the one's in the past where just practice. I always love fully (so I think), but I'm hoping that I never really gave as fully as I thought I did. That would mean that all these men who broke me, did just that.......broke a piece of me that I'll never get back and I'd like to think that didn't happen. It sounds horrible, but I would hope that when I do meet him, it's waaaaaay more special than anything I've ever felt or given in the past and won't ever want those pieces back.

One of my good friends, who is a male, I met towards the end of my last relationship. He and I are inseparable right now and we recently had a talk about being too comfortable around each other that it may be the reason neither one of us has a need to date anyone. Perhaps we're holding each other at a stand still. For the first time in my life, besides high school, I have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone. Why be in a relationship with a man when my friend is one and we have so much fun together without any of the headache of always trying to look good, or act a certain way, or wonder what's gonna happen if it doesn't work out. The sad thing is, we do need to break up, well, our friendship does or neither of us will ever move on. We are both adults and know that if one or the other starts dating someone, we won't spend as much time together or time together at all. It feels just like a break up. I always encourage him to go on dates and meet new people, but I think because I'm there and it's so comfortable, what's the rush? I was recently asked on a date by a handsome, smart, sweet man, and I just couldn't do it. I just don't have the energy to sit for 2 hours at dinner listening to someone tell me about their life as well as share my own life with them. It's exhausting having to retell the same story over and over and have each and every date or relationship end.

It's a hard thing to admit when someone breaks your heart, but my last relationship ending, really rocked me. It threw me into this sadness that seemed to almost numb me. It left me burning inside and screaming for answers. Why weren't we happy, why couldn't he have been the one, why couldn't I have fulfilled him, why couldn't he have just been honest with me and most of all, why did he break my heart if he loved me. I was the one who ended the relationship, because I could tell I wasn't making him happy and I wanted to. The problem was that I wasn't happy. I was lost and I changed after my brother died and I thought this man who loved me, wasn't there for me as much as he should have been. I felt like he didn't run to my side to console me, even a year after my brothers death when it still hurt like it happened yesterday. I felt as though I was burdening him with my sadness and anger that the only way he could be happy, was if I let him go.  It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, but when you truly love someone, their happiness becomes more important than your own.  The thing I wasn't expecting was that he had already let me go long before our break up. Finding out the way I did was an enormous blow to my heart and ego. I guess if you've been in a relationship for over 2 years and the man that says he loves you so much, more than anyone he's ever loved and who's shared things with you that he has never shared with anyone, still doesn't know if he want's to be with you for a lifetime or eternity, it's time to let go. He moved on not long after our break up and finding peace with him being with another woman so quickly, has not been so easy. Being able to say that I am truly happy for him is rough, but I know it will come. Everyone deserves to be happy and find love. He does, the woman he is or was with does, and I do.  One thing that has come out of this break up is, I've found myself again. I've found happiness in so many other things.   I am strengthening my relationship with God and really coming to peace with my brothers death.  I find good all around me and am looking forward to the near future. I believe there are great things in store.  I often wonder if the only reason getting over my last relationship is so hard is because he was there when the two most influential people in my life took their last breaths on earth and drifted from me. I often wonder if that's the underlining and only connection I feel to this person.  The nostalgia of it all.

I know some of you are thinking, that I sound like I've become a little bitter towards involving myself in new relationships, maybe I have, but I think I'm just tired. I used to be so excited to go on dates and meet new people, but now, I don't get excited when I get asked out nor am I disappointed if I don't.  Even seeing my ex move on hasn't made me any more eager to move on myself.  In fact, I feel fine sitting on the beach alone able to think without any chatter.  I enjoy going on mother son dates and I enjoy sitting in a coffee shop alone. Alone, with no tools to pretend like I'm preoccupied in a good book or newspaper just to avoid looking at other people or feel self conscious about others looking at me and forming their own opinion on whether or not they should feel sorry for me, because I am by myself.  But I sit here, alone, with my coffee, making eye contact and smiling at everyone who walks in.  Perhaps just a smile at someone who's having a bad day, might change something in them.

I've realized, before I will ever feel the need to move on and truly let go of the anger and hurt I feel from feeling disappointed from 16 yrs. or so, of one failed marriage and a handful of failed relationships, because all the men in my life are not so much the men I thought they were and letting go of the fact that they took so many pieces of me and never returned the favor, I need to truly understand my worth. My worth is great and I am realizing this day by day.  I do know, the man who lives an eternity with me will be very grateful. Grateful to gain an eternal companion, grateful to be a part of an instant family, and grateful to have been lucky enough to find the true meaning of love.