It's unbelievable how just in a half hour, your whole day can change from ok to waaaaay worse. So, once again I deleted my FB, maybe I'm conducting a little experiment to see what kind of peace that gives me, if any at all. I think having a blog is me trying to stay true to my open nature. I am and have always been an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm extremely outgoing. I feel like I'm losing all those parts of me and because I delete my FB and would rather take to a blog to express my feelings rather than talk with my friends is proof of that. I am in solitary mode.
In just half an hour I've had 3 disturbing things happen all at once. It made me question my parenting skills, my job skills, and my worth.
Earlier this weekend, my best friend and I decided to part ways. He wanted something more from me that I could not deliver and rather than pretending that he could just be friends with me, he decided it was too hard, and to walk away. I can and have to understand.
This week is only beginning and things are rocky. My son trying to cut class, financial sheets giving me anxiety attacks and my most recent ex proclaiming his love for someone new, by updating his facebook status to "in a relationship". First of all, I can deal with the work issue with the help of some far away CPA God's......hopefully. Getting a phone call from my sons counselor late afternoon, I was not so prepared for. If only I could have recorded my reaction. You can't fake that. I was hurt, but most of all, I felt like a failure. How in the world could he have cut class? A class he's doing so well in? Well, peer pressure is a bitch and if you're not strong enough you'll end up following the wrong people. Unfortunately my little one decided, without much persuasion from his peers, that it was ok to hide out in the bathroom while he skipped out on his class. Now, because I'm at work, I can't do much from here, but deactivate his facebook and go home to continue the punishment, while attempting to deactivate his facebook, I notice on the news feed that my ex has changed his status. I just stared at it for a moment and gathered myself. I was getting off work in 10 minutes, I didn't need to have some sort of breakdown in front of my boss. So, I carried it with me to the car, shut the door and commenced the crying. It wasn't just because of the ex, it was everything that had just happened in the span of a half hour. I know people in the world have it far worse, but these are my problems and they are great to me.
What was going through my head? A lot of self pity. I thought about why I would cry over a man who was never my soul mate to begin with, perhaps because I would have settled for him and because I'm selfish and I still want him to want me. How twisted is that? Then, questioning whether or not I will ever be in a healthy loving relationship with anyone......ever. Then, my son. I'm trying to figure out what kind of punishment to place on him without hurting his feelings too much. I am concerned about hurting his feelings when he just cut class. What is wrong with that picture? After the suicide of my twin, I am so worried that someone else in my life is going to leave me that way, that I try to go the extra mile and not hurt anyone's feelings. Regardless of what they've done, said to me, or the way they treat me. And lastly, figuring out how to fix this balance sheet that makes no sense to me, realizing that although I'm grateful for a job, I am so unhappy with my profession. It isn't something I'm good at. I want to sing, write music, photograph the world, travel, and sing some more.
What happens next? My heart is so deep inside of me that the moon could not pull it out and it has a maze within it with no real beginning or end. I don't believe there is a man alive who could pull it out of me.
I thin I need a xanax.
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