Peace with myself........

I haven't written in a while. My moods have been so up and down lately, I thought I'd spare everyone the chatter and woe is me attitude. The one thing that I'd like to share is my longing to be alone. My hope is that this recent break up, and all my break up's before, were not really true feelings of love. My hope is that when I do find "the one", only then will I ever know what true love is and all the one's in the past where just practice. I always love fully (so I think), but I'm hoping that I never really gave as fully as I thought I did. That would mean that all these men who broke me, did just that.......broke a piece of me that I'll never get back and I'd like to think that didn't happen. It sounds horrible, but I would hope that when I do meet him, it's waaaaaay more special than anything I've ever felt or given in the past and won't ever want those pieces back.

One of my good friends, who is a male, I met towards the end of my last relationship. He and I are inseparable right now and we recently had a talk about being too comfortable around each other that it may be the reason neither one of us has a need to date anyone. Perhaps we're holding each other at a stand still. For the first time in my life, besides high school, I have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone. Why be in a relationship with a man when my friend is one and we have so much fun together without any of the headache of always trying to look good, or act a certain way, or wonder what's gonna happen if it doesn't work out. The sad thing is, we do need to break up, well, our friendship does or neither of us will ever move on. We are both adults and know that if one or the other starts dating someone, we won't spend as much time together or time together at all. It feels just like a break up. I always encourage him to go on dates and meet new people, but I think because I'm there and it's so comfortable, what's the rush? I was recently asked on a date by a handsome, smart, sweet man, and I just couldn't do it. I just don't have the energy to sit for 2 hours at dinner listening to someone tell me about their life as well as share my own life with them. It's exhausting having to retell the same story over and over and have each and every date or relationship end.

It's a hard thing to admit when someone breaks your heart, but my last relationship ending, really rocked me. It threw me into this sadness that seemed to almost numb me. It left me burning inside and screaming for answers. Why weren't we happy, why couldn't he have been the one, why couldn't I have fulfilled him, why couldn't he have just been honest with me and most of all, why did he break my heart if he loved me. I was the one who ended the relationship, because I could tell I wasn't making him happy and I wanted to. The problem was that I wasn't happy. I was lost and I changed after my brother died and I thought this man who loved me, wasn't there for me as much as he should have been. I felt like he didn't run to my side to console me, even a year after my brothers death when it still hurt like it happened yesterday. I felt as though I was burdening him with my sadness and anger that the only way he could be happy, was if I let him go.  It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, but when you truly love someone, their happiness becomes more important than your own.  The thing I wasn't expecting was that he had already let me go long before our break up. Finding out the way I did was an enormous blow to my heart and ego. I guess if you've been in a relationship for over 2 years and the man that says he loves you so much, more than anyone he's ever loved and who's shared things with you that he has never shared with anyone, still doesn't know if he want's to be with you for a lifetime or eternity, it's time to let go. He moved on not long after our break up and finding peace with him being with another woman so quickly, has not been so easy. Being able to say that I am truly happy for him is rough, but I know it will come. Everyone deserves to be happy and find love. He does, the woman he is or was with does, and I do.  One thing that has come out of this break up is, I've found myself again. I've found happiness in so many other things.   I am strengthening my relationship with God and really coming to peace with my brothers death.  I find good all around me and am looking forward to the near future. I believe there are great things in store.  I often wonder if the only reason getting over my last relationship is so hard is because he was there when the two most influential people in my life took their last breaths on earth and drifted from me. I often wonder if that's the underlining and only connection I feel to this person.  The nostalgia of it all.

I know some of you are thinking, that I sound like I've become a little bitter towards involving myself in new relationships, maybe I have, but I think I'm just tired. I used to be so excited to go on dates and meet new people, but now, I don't get excited when I get asked out nor am I disappointed if I don't.  Even seeing my ex move on hasn't made me any more eager to move on myself.  In fact, I feel fine sitting on the beach alone able to think without any chatter.  I enjoy going on mother son dates and I enjoy sitting in a coffee shop alone. Alone, with no tools to pretend like I'm preoccupied in a good book or newspaper just to avoid looking at other people or feel self conscious about others looking at me and forming their own opinion on whether or not they should feel sorry for me, because I am by myself.  But I sit here, alone, with my coffee, making eye contact and smiling at everyone who walks in.  Perhaps just a smile at someone who's having a bad day, might change something in them.

I've realized, before I will ever feel the need to move on and truly let go of the anger and hurt I feel from feeling disappointed from 16 yrs. or so, of one failed marriage and a handful of failed relationships, because all the men in my life are not so much the men I thought they were and letting go of the fact that they took so many pieces of me and never returned the favor, I need to truly understand my worth. My worth is great and I am realizing this day by day.  I do know, the man who lives an eternity with me will be very grateful. Grateful to gain an eternal companion, grateful to be a part of an instant family, and grateful to have been lucky enough to find the true meaning of love.

List of "things"....

With my migraine finally gone and all the medication slowly making it's way out of my body, I am finally able to think clearly, which is a good thing, because a best friend of mine asked me to write the 10 things I want in my future mate and 10 things I'd like to prepare myself to be, for him.  I didn't currently have a list, which apparently most people my age do and it just gets longer by the year, but I jumped at the chance to make one.  I actually didn't have to think too long about this either.  What I noticed was, if I had made a list in my 20's, It would have been filled with much more physical attributes......solid ass, broad back, brown skin, musically inclined, etc.  Now my list goes a little something like this.......

Soul mate: (gotta love Izaiah, that's a give in)

1. Loyal (trustworthy)
2. Ambitious (not lazy)
3. Caring/Understanding
4. Funny
5. Responsible
6. Spontaneous
7. Confident (not arrogant)
8. Has energy that lifts me up
9. Infectious smile
10. Doesn't "need" me, just loves me

I guess it's a list everyone can relate to, unless you're 18 without a care in the world.  I've only ever wanted someone who is unbelievably, incandescently, and as Bella would say "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love with me.  Giver and a taker and someone who knows how to laugh his ass off.  This of course is a "perfect" man that may or may not exist, but I definitely think he will exist when I'm ready for him.  I think everything we do, right now, as we speak, is already leading up to something for the future.  As I continue to work on myself and find my happy again, I am already attracting the right person and when I come full circle, there he will be......Jacob Black...nah nah, he will definitely be human ONLY.......hopefully ;)

Happy Hump Day!

The Psychedelic Furs - Love My Way [1982]

Healing Through Music........

I have been sick sick sick recently, vertigo, headaches, nausea, you name it.  Finally got some new medication and feeling a little better.  While I was sick, I had a lot of time to feel sorry for myself.  Oh yes, whoa is me, no one is here to take care of me, me, me, me....the world should revolve around me when I'm sick ;), BUT, besides the joys of self loathing, I also had a lot of time to express myself through music.  I finally picked up one of the 5 guitars I have just hanging around the house and decided to start strumming.  Before I knew it, I had strummed my first song, taught myself to play a song that I have been listening to, "Human" by Civil Twilight, and learned chords C, D, and E.  I have written a ton of lyrics to music I hear in my head, but this is my first, written and composed song.  It probably belongs on the soundtrack to a "Twilight" movie, but still, I wrote it and it really helped my "whoa is me" attitude.  And when I drove to pick my son up from school I went in peace with absolutely NO road rage!  Now that is a first.

Anyway, what I realized was, God gives me so many opportunities to be kind to others and kind to myself and I normally, especially while driving, choose to turn the other cheek, but this day I chose to take him up on his offer and let the lady to the right of me cut in front of me so she could make the left turn on vineyard, I was kind to myself by writing a song so that my heart could feel lighter and I could let my God given talent not be muffled by my....hmmm, by me.  I guess this is all part of my journey to discovering the old and new Amber.  I'd rather not turn the other cheek. :)

Next on my agenda, Meals on Wheels (if that lady ever calls me back), Making Strides Against Breast Cancer with a woman who should have her own advice column, Mernette Cardejon, and Tango lessons at the Honolulu Club.  Stay tuned!

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#1, a set on Flickr.

Gonna start this year of ME on the right foot :)

Migraine's are the worst

But, it did allow me plenty of time to write a song and strum a guitar that I am clueless on how to make notes come out of, but was still able to fashion a pretty decent song to let my words flow.

Anyways, I suppose I should have goals set aside to embark on this journey. My whole reason for this is to challenge myself and actually succeed, so, I have sworn off men for a year. At this point in my life my soul mate still has not revealed himself, so I must be doing something wrong and while finding him is last on my list of things to do, I still want to make it known. I have decided to let this be the year of "Yes" to myself and "No" to men. I obviously cannot trust my judgment and am drawn to men who need me rather then men who uplift me, so until my energy is up where it should be, I will not trust my judgment, been there, done that.

I am so fortunate to have amazing friends who will be embarking on this journey with me. The up's and downs, smiles, and frowns. Hopefully I can get a few of them to convince me to skydive, swim with sharks, zip line, para-sail, quit drinking and maybe even eat a Big Mac.

The beginning......

So, in the beginning, I was this amazing fun loving, not a care in the world, individual. I had no quarrels or bitterness with love or men and no expectations of what my future would or would not present to me. Of course, the older I got, the more relationships I entered, endured, and got out of, the more grim my future became. I started to lose myself. I notice now, the difference one marriage and a handful of long relationships has done to my spirit or my energy if you will. I have pushed the men I've been with to become better people and encouraged them to change for the better so that they may be able to live a much fuller life, so much that I have been pushing myself farther away from, well, my true self. I don't know why I do this, actually, I do. I do this because I am so concerned with the ex's in my life seeing what a good person I am and what a wonderful person they missed out on and truthfully, if they didn't see the wonderfullness (not a word) in me while we where together, what the hell makes me think they will see it when we're not.

It has always been in my nature to find the goodness in others, even while I'm not getting any answers or closure, my heart is being thrashed around and used as a rock for these men to lean on and somehow, I've lost myself. I've lost that fun loving spirit that people used to be drawn to, that I prided myself on being, and I've pushed my energy down so low that my soul mate, whom I believe does exist, is unable to find me.

Well, I have decided that it is time to find that Amber again. I miss her and I believe the people around me, who have once encountered that Amber, miss her as well. For those of you who know me, you also know that I have been through a few blows in my life with regards to losing loved one's, but I have made my peace with that and now it's time to make peace with the rest of the goings on of my life. So, I have created this blog to act as a journal of some sort, to find my inner Amber again. To find that happy woman I use to know and love so much. To share my music, my everyday up's and down's and my love and appreciation for life again. I will find her and she will be amazing. I will learn to love myself again. To bring the beauty I feel inside to the surface. To love every scar, cellulite, gray hair, new age line, and muffin top that comes with the territory of being me. I'll start tomorrow. :) Tonight, I will part with the old me and start a new.

I hope you enjoy, the reinvention of Amber.