Retail therapy!

I just figured out the cure..............RETAIL THERAPY!!

http://tiareteiti.com/   For a dress

Sears - For Lo'ihi's oil change

http://brandymelvilleusa.com/    For a scarf

http://www.etsy.com/shop/MishaHawaii    For some great bangles

http://www.victoriassecret.com/    For a robe to hold me while I sleep

http://www.hawaiianhumane.org/  For the start of my life as crazy old bitter single cat lady!

It's bigger than me.

It's unbelievable how just in a half hour, your whole day can change from ok to waaaaay worse.  So, once again I deleted my FB, maybe I'm conducting a little experiment to see what kind of peace that gives me, if any at all.  I think having a blog is me trying to stay true to my open nature.  I am and have always been an open book.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm extremely outgoing.  I feel like I'm losing all those parts of me and because I delete my FB and would rather take to a blog to express my feelings rather than talk with my friends is proof of that.  I am in solitary mode.

In just half an hour I've had 3 disturbing things happen all at once.  It made me question my parenting skills, my job skills, and my worth.

Earlier this weekend, my best friend and I decided to part ways.  He wanted something more from me that I could not deliver and rather than pretending that he could just be friends with me, he decided it was too hard, and to walk away.  I can and have to understand. 

This week is only beginning and things are rocky.  My son trying to cut class, financial sheets giving me anxiety attacks and my most recent ex proclaiming his love for someone new, by updating his facebook status to "in a relationship".  First of all, I can deal with the work issue with the help of some far away CPA God's......hopefully.  Getting a phone call from my sons counselor late afternoon, I was not so prepared for.  If only I could have recorded my reaction.  You can't fake that.  I was hurt, but most of all, I felt like a failure.  How in the world could he have cut class?  A class he's doing so well in?  Well, peer pressure is a bitch and if you're not strong enough you'll end up following the wrong people.  Unfortunately my little one decided, without much persuasion from his peers, that it was ok to hide out in the bathroom while he skipped out on his class.  Now, because I'm at work, I can't do much from here, but deactivate his facebook and go home to continue the punishment, while attempting to deactivate his facebook, I notice on the news feed that my ex has changed his status.  I just stared at it for a moment and gathered myself.  I was getting off work in 10 minutes, I didn't need to have some sort of breakdown in front of my boss.  So, I carried it with me to the car, shut the door and commenced the crying.  It wasn't just because of the ex, it was everything that had just happened in the span of a half hour.  I know people in the world have it far worse, but these are my problems and they are great to me.

What was going through my head?  A lot of self pity.  I thought about why I would cry over a man who was never my soul mate to begin with, perhaps because I would have settled for him and because I'm selfish and I still want him to want me.  How twisted is that?  Then, questioning whether or not I will ever be in a healthy loving relationship with anyone......ever.  Then, my son.  I'm trying to figure out what kind of punishment to place on him without hurting his feelings too much.  I am concerned about hurting his feelings when he just cut class.  What is wrong with that picture?  After the suicide of my twin, I am so worried that someone else in my life is going to leave me that way, that I try to go the extra mile and not hurt anyone's feelings.  Regardless of what they've done, said to me, or the way they treat me.  And lastly, figuring out how to fix this balance sheet that makes no sense to me, realizing that although I'm grateful for a job, I am so unhappy with my profession.  It isn't something I'm good at.  I want to sing, write music, photograph the world, travel, and sing some more. 

What happens next?  My heart is so deep inside of me that the moon could not pull it out and it has a maze within it with no real beginning or end.  I don't believe there is a man alive who could pull it out of me.

I thin I need a xanax.

I could've had a V-8!

With the turkey finally digesting in my belly and midnight creeping up, it was time to get my game face on and hit the "black Friday" deals......or so I thought.  I managed to make it to Ala Moana with my family just as the enormous line into Old Navy was dwindling down.  "All that for winter clothes and a free cheap camera?", I thought.  Shopping at Ala Moana at midnight on black Friday was like shopping at Ala Moana at 12 noon on a Saturday.  I couldn't believe how many people pulled all nighter's just to get 25-40% off in some stores and brave the 2hr wait in the purchase line.  Not to mention the stores that hadn't opened up yet.  Victoria's Secret, Sears, and Game Stop, most of these stores weren't opening for another 5 1/2 hrs, and already had people camping out.  From what I heard, Walmart stayed open the whole night to avoid the midnight rush of people trying to kill each other for an LCD TV, but even that place was crawling with scratcher's clawing at the $5 DVD bins, Izaiah barely made it out with his limbs!  Anyways, back to Ala Moana.  Dehydration started to set in and the only place open was Starbucks in Macy's.  I couldn't count how many people were in line, so I stopped a security guard, who almost jumped when I tapped him on the shoulder, and asked him if there were any vending machines and he told me were to go.  I proceeded to make my way down the escalator.  I got to the vending machine and to my surprise, there was a line........again.  It wasn't a long line and I must thank the girl in front of me who put her money in and didn't seem to know how to push buttons and gave up, so I was able to hydrate myself on her dime.  Well, I ended up fighting my way into Local Motion to get a pareo that was marked down 25% and had enough of the black Friday frenzy.  I went home to my leftover turkey, my warm bed and passed out.  Two days later, I decided to go back to Ala Moana, when things have calmed down a bit, well, not only did they calm down, there was an abundance of parking, no long lines, and the same exact sales going on as there were on black Friday.  Never will I ever lose sleep over shopping again.  I could have stayed home and had a v-8!

Well, the rest of my weekend went great.  Spent a lot of time with Izaiah, family, and friends and managed to get soaking wet at a UH football game after taking a direct hit to the body by the t-shirt launcher.  Life is good :)!

Aloha,
Amber

Jumping the gun!!

Yikes! Maybe before I start making New Year's resolutions, I should write an ode to Thanksgiving Day! Like to hear it? Here it goes...........

I'm Thankful/Grateful for.............(I hope this doesn't sound like an awards acceptance speech ;)

Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for all that I have and continue to receive
MUSIC
My wonderful, yet crazy, loving ohana
My AMAZING, handsome, talented son, Izaiah
My loyal, beautiful, wonderful, caring friends
My brother being able to visit me in my dreams
Shelter/Food/Clothing
Emma the kitty
Thor the puppy
The Big Island where my family was bred from
A curvaceous sexy figure (lol)
Humor/laughter
Being able to wear my heart on my sleeve
Guava to eat off the tree when I'm hiking
SALT WATER all around me
Rainy days
My Honda Element, "Lo'ihi", to take me where I need to go
Queens Hospital being so close to me
Xanax
Books
Being able to live in the city I love, Honolulu
IHS to shelter those who need it
Hospice Hawaii for helping my Momma when she was alive
Suicide Prevention Hawaii and the group of wonderful ladies who helped me through a dark time
OSPCA/Human Society

And so much more, but that's just a few . ;) I wish everyone a safe and Happy Thanksgiving!

2012 New Years Resolutions.............

Let's start the new year off by being thankful for all the good we see in ourselves, rather than the things we want to change.  I encourage everyone to write a list, no matter how long or short, of all the good qualities you possess and all the things that make you....you.  Then make all the new years resolutions you want after that and really stick to them.

 Hmmmmm, a friend once told me, "We Virgo's need love, depriving us of love, is like depriving a flower of sunlight"  and she is so right.  It's amazing how like a Virgo and a Horse (Chinese astrology) I really am.   Here's what I'm like in it's entirety.

Amber is......................

A mother and a father, Color coordinated closets, sensitive, anxious, always at least 15 minutes early, stubborn as all hell, love's purple, loves the outdoors, believes being in the ocean will cure any and all unhappiness, Love's every kind of music, a singer and songwriter, easily excitable, you wouldn't believe all the little things that I can get overly excited about, especially useless knowledge.  Extroverted (maybe a little introverted since September 2009), trustworthy, loyal, open-minded, enjoy being alone at times, independent, procrastinator, outgoing, loving, love's making new friends, impatient, absolutely no tolerance for mean people and gossiping, able to see beauty in everything and every person (there is no such thing as ugly, every person is beautiful), jealous at times, love doing volunteer and charity work, a lover of all animals, hate's spiders, no allergies, believes in magic, fate, soul mates, and real love.  Love's to read, love's to get caught up in the books and story lines, love's movies, friends, eating out, laughing, is very forgiving, never holds a grudge and most of all, Amber is very very hopeful.


Here's something fun to read.  Which brain you are most like?  I am VERY right brained.......

LEFT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
uses logic
detail oriented
facts rule
words and language
present and past
math and science
can comprehend
knowing
acknowledges
order/pattern perception
knows object name
reality based
forms strategies
practical
safe

RIGHT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
uses feeling - This is definitely me!
"big picture" oriented
imagination rules
symbols and images

present and future
philosophy & religion
can "get it" (i.e. meaning)
believes
appreciates
spatial perception
knows object function
fantasy based
presents possibilities
impetuous
risk taking

New Year's Resolutions...............

1. STOP Procrastinating with my music
2. Find real peace within myself
3. Make my way back to church (already started this one)
4. Be a better example to my son
5. Wake up every day with a smile
6. Let go of the road rage (already started this one too, I find that when I have both hands on the wheel, I feel like a nicer driver.....lol)
7. Exercise more (maybe lose 15lbs)
8. Learn a new language
9. Learn the tango
10. Learn to surf on "red sonja"
11. Travel
12. Read at least 25 new books
13. Be debt free :)
14. Maybe open myself up to dating
15. Blog more, facebook less
16. Try to say "hi" to every person who makes eye contact with me

It seems like a lot already, but I'm sure I'll add to the list as the year goes along. 

Hau'oli La Ho'omaika'i!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Amber

Genesis • Man On The Corner

Peace with myself........

I haven't written in a while. My moods have been so up and down lately, I thought I'd spare everyone the chatter and woe is me attitude. The one thing that I'd like to share is my longing to be alone. My hope is that this recent break up, and all my break up's before, were not really true feelings of love. My hope is that when I do find "the one", only then will I ever know what true love is and all the one's in the past where just practice. I always love fully (so I think), but I'm hoping that I never really gave as fully as I thought I did. That would mean that all these men who broke me, did just that.......broke a piece of me that I'll never get back and I'd like to think that didn't happen. It sounds horrible, but I would hope that when I do meet him, it's waaaaaay more special than anything I've ever felt or given in the past and won't ever want those pieces back.

One of my good friends, who is a male, I met towards the end of my last relationship. He and I are inseparable right now and we recently had a talk about being too comfortable around each other that it may be the reason neither one of us has a need to date anyone. Perhaps we're holding each other at a stand still. For the first time in my life, besides high school, I have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone. Why be in a relationship with a man when my friend is one and we have so much fun together without any of the headache of always trying to look good, or act a certain way, or wonder what's gonna happen if it doesn't work out. The sad thing is, we do need to break up, well, our friendship does or neither of us will ever move on. We are both adults and know that if one or the other starts dating someone, we won't spend as much time together or time together at all. It feels just like a break up. I always encourage him to go on dates and meet new people, but I think because I'm there and it's so comfortable, what's the rush? I was recently asked on a date by a handsome, smart, sweet man, and I just couldn't do it. I just don't have the energy to sit for 2 hours at dinner listening to someone tell me about their life as well as share my own life with them. It's exhausting having to retell the same story over and over and have each and every date or relationship end.

It's a hard thing to admit when someone breaks your heart, but my last relationship ending, really rocked me. It threw me into this sadness that seemed to almost numb me. It left me burning inside and screaming for answers. Why weren't we happy, why couldn't he have been the one, why couldn't I have fulfilled him, why couldn't he have just been honest with me and most of all, why did he break my heart if he loved me. I was the one who ended the relationship, because I could tell I wasn't making him happy and I wanted to. The problem was that I wasn't happy. I was lost and I changed after my brother died and I thought this man who loved me, wasn't there for me as much as he should have been. I felt like he didn't run to my side to console me, even a year after my brothers death when it still hurt like it happened yesterday. I felt as though I was burdening him with my sadness and anger that the only way he could be happy, was if I let him go.  It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, but when you truly love someone, their happiness becomes more important than your own.  The thing I wasn't expecting was that he had already let me go long before our break up. Finding out the way I did was an enormous blow to my heart and ego. I guess if you've been in a relationship for over 2 years and the man that says he loves you so much, more than anyone he's ever loved and who's shared things with you that he has never shared with anyone, still doesn't know if he want's to be with you for a lifetime or eternity, it's time to let go. He moved on not long after our break up and finding peace with him being with another woman so quickly, has not been so easy. Being able to say that I am truly happy for him is rough, but I know it will come. Everyone deserves to be happy and find love. He does, the woman he is or was with does, and I do.  One thing that has come out of this break up is, I've found myself again. I've found happiness in so many other things.   I am strengthening my relationship with God and really coming to peace with my brothers death.  I find good all around me and am looking forward to the near future. I believe there are great things in store.  I often wonder if the only reason getting over my last relationship is so hard is because he was there when the two most influential people in my life took their last breaths on earth and drifted from me. I often wonder if that's the underlining and only connection I feel to this person.  The nostalgia of it all.

I know some of you are thinking, that I sound like I've become a little bitter towards involving myself in new relationships, maybe I have, but I think I'm just tired. I used to be so excited to go on dates and meet new people, but now, I don't get excited when I get asked out nor am I disappointed if I don't.  Even seeing my ex move on hasn't made me any more eager to move on myself.  In fact, I feel fine sitting on the beach alone able to think without any chatter.  I enjoy going on mother son dates and I enjoy sitting in a coffee shop alone. Alone, with no tools to pretend like I'm preoccupied in a good book or newspaper just to avoid looking at other people or feel self conscious about others looking at me and forming their own opinion on whether or not they should feel sorry for me, because I am by myself.  But I sit here, alone, with my coffee, making eye contact and smiling at everyone who walks in.  Perhaps just a smile at someone who's having a bad day, might change something in them.

I've realized, before I will ever feel the need to move on and truly let go of the anger and hurt I feel from feeling disappointed from 16 yrs. or so, of one failed marriage and a handful of failed relationships, because all the men in my life are not so much the men I thought they were and letting go of the fact that they took so many pieces of me and never returned the favor, I need to truly understand my worth. My worth is great and I am realizing this day by day.  I do know, the man who lives an eternity with me will be very grateful. Grateful to gain an eternal companion, grateful to be a part of an instant family, and grateful to have been lucky enough to find the true meaning of love.